Practicing with " God ".

Like most people I've grown up with, I'm uncomfortable with the word "God".  Being raised in the west, with a Catholic mother and an indifferent father, the use of the word God became synonymous with my guilt, my short comings, with repression. In the last decade of my life, I've come to associate it with a close friend of mine who chose to believe in "The Creation" story. Who has confessed to me years ago, drunk, that she knows it doesn't make sense, but her husband & In-laws need her to believe it. Since her re-immersion in Christianity she's quicker to mock and judge people on superficial things, she's more intolerant of other ways of life..

I've always been curious about religions, I spent half of my teens a "devout" Wiccan. I've studied Buddhism & Hinduism just for fun. But I've never thought to bring god into my house, my life or my practice. This has to do partly with the fact that I can't separate the word God from Christianity. When I imagine God he looks like a hungry, disproving Santa Claus. Intellectually, through yoga, I try to see God as everything, myself and my chair and my walls included. It hasn't gelled yet though, because even thinking about "God" sincerely makes me feel silly, like I'm trying to believe in some childhood fantasy.

This said, I've started reading Sharon Gannon & David Life's "Jivamukti Yoga" Book. Yoga is talked about as a path to enlightenment, not an exercise or a hobby or anything in between. Up until now, I've dismissed this side of yoga. Using it as a singular tool than as a system. Because it makes me uncomfortable. So each morning, while drinking my tea, I squirm with embarrassment as I hungrily read their earnest, devout guide to yoga. They implore the reader to dedicate their practice to something higher than themselves, to God. They state that doing this is part of liberation, and that "your practice will become full of grace." This isn't their idea really, Patanjali wrote this in his sutras, it's the way the system of Yoga was originally intended to be.

Lord Shiva statue in Rishikesh, India

So yesterday, for kicks, I tried it. I practiced in the evening, and set "God" as my intention. I came back to it a few times, telling myself, that I was giving away my practice, feeding something else with it. I laughed when my puppy interrupted, climbing on top of me during bridge, and took the time for savasana. I even meditated later on in the evening. I know that focusing on something other than my ego during the practice, including how I felt my practice reflected me, and my feelings, was helpful. It allowed me more room, and maybe more honesty about where I am in my practice.

Disclaimer: I don't know what I believe, truly. I also think it doesn't matter much, just about any view in the entire world could turn out to be wrong ( or right, simultaneously ) at the end of all things. I'm just thinking aloud. :)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful, and thoughtful day. 

Comfort Zone, Up, Up & Away!!

So, I promised I'd be writing about the classes I took this week. My goal was five, and I managed 3. Ponyo got sick earlier this week, and then I picked up a cold a couple of days ago. What I lacked in quantity, I made up for in quality though.

Wednesday: Yoga Flo 2 with Bram Levinson  @ Centre Luna Yoga 

This is one of my regular classes, and it's my favorite. Bram is awesome! The energy in the room is powerful, and the space itself is gorgeous. He often has playlists that reinvigorate you at just the right moment, i.e. Utthita Parsvakonasana. ( my arch nemesis ;] )

Thursday: Yin Yoga with Melanie @ Happy Tree Yoga

I had gotten my blood tested in the morning, which isn't something I deal particularly well with, so this class was blissful. Snuggling and stretching and laughing. Mel is the founder of happy tree, and she really embodies their attitude. Fun, warm, happy, and super down to earth. I left this class wishing I could do it again, or take a nap. 

Saturday: Boot Camp with Skye @ U.N.I. Training 

So, every Saturday at noon, UNI offers a free Boot Camp class.  We had run up & down the 8 flights of stairs, and then did some cardio drills, and then Skye said "We'll start the workout soon", and I laughed. My team mates looked at me and nodded, this was only the warm up. I was sure I was done for. Then somehow, it gets better. You're burning, and everything is trembling but you finish with this amazing sense of accomplishment, mingling with some nausea. Now, 2 hours later, I feel energized and excited to get my butt kicked again. :) Please check this out, if I can do it, you can too!

The video is a little something I found on my creative fling, and after being so nervous to try something new, it was the perfect reminded that any obstacle i'll ever face, is also just part of the blanket. 

I hope you all had an exciting and scary week. 

XOXJ

Out of Synch? Or fuel?

So, I feel that a small update on my non-yoga life will help make the following post more coherent. 

Last week we found out that we'd be getting a puppy. We'd been wanting, and looking for a dog for the past year, and never found our pup. When we did, it kind of fell together within 24 hours and boom! We were getting a dog, in 3 weeks. This set off a reaction in me of planning everything to the last detail, and making long work intensive "To Do" lists, a long with budgeting how much I had to make at work. For the last week my brain has been all puppy, all the time. Reading anything on training, housebreaking, vet visits, shopping lists, food etc. that I could find, and wracking my brain for a name that both Sean & I would love. I had my two yoga classes at Luna a long with reception, wednesdays class was unbelievably wonderful. I also managed to get on my mat Saturday and today. Kicking and screaming, but I made it.

Usually when "Yoga" is on my checklist, I savour it like the last bite of chocolate in a box, not like a chore. I let it take over my day, and love it. Saturday was a rushed and insincere primary practice, my breath was not involved.  

Today, I did mini snippets of yoga, headstands on the bed, handstands against the wall, a lot of rolling around on my mat, some back bends, twists and a warrior 3. It would've been fun if I could've shaken my tired/grumpy mood. I did manage to find my breath in pigeon, and the pose somehow felt like a release. 

I think I'm also nervous about our first evening out with friends where we won't be drinking. It's been roughly seventy days sober, and we're loving it, but tonight we're having a big thanksgiving/octoberfest thing with some work friends, and a bundle of people I don't know, and I don't do particularly well sober with strangers..

I know this wasn't a yoga post, really. I'll update when I get my groove back.

Enter Inspiration: Ms. Porchon Lynch

Morning Off

Wednesdays usually consist of one of two things. Either i'm sweating my double away at a 10am Moksha class, or I curl up in bed and don't move until I have to get ready for work. Today, was a beautiful hybrid. 

I woke up at a self-indulgent noon, the house was quiet, and cool so it made for deep sleep and freaky dreams. I drank tea and updated the music on my phone. Discovered a few amazing bands; Beirut, Fleet foxes, Hey Rosetta! and Future of forestry. 

Made a playlist with all of these discoveries, slapped on my yoga gear and hit the mat. I stayed there for 90 minutes and finally made it past Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana (intense bound half lotus). I love this pose! I can only get it truly my left side. My right knee is pretty rickety and when I go to bind the big toe it whines quite a bit and I have to arch my back strangely, so for now I just stand with my right foot in my groin. On the left side, the bind feels like a happy click of alignment and my forward bend is strong and straight. To get past Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana, I finally gave time to Utthita Hasta Padangushtasana. Which for now, I have a very tumultuous relationship with. My lower abs and hip muscles are weak, and it takes sweaty shaking effort to straighten the leg, let alone bring it straight to the side and even out my hips. So until now, at home, I've   just stopped there. Maybe flowing some more, doing a few restorative postures, maybe attempting it, but giving up within a couple breaths, declaring practice time over. Today my will kicked it's butt! :) I went until Pashimottanasana, and am now drinking a power green smoothie, listening to more happy beats!!

I feel really alive right now. That tiny little accomplishment was a nice reminder that improvement is mind to create, and that I'm fully the master of how awesome my life is. 

On other notes, I saw my friend Jen the other day, and it felt good to geek out about yoga, and different teachers and poses. 

Shanti Joy Shanti Joy Shanti Joy

Sounding like a Douche.

I'm currently trying to monitor my reactions, my thought patterns and the way I share my life with others. Ergo trying not to complain, trying not to be judgmental, trying to not be cynical and trying to sincerely listen to other people while they talk. A find myself these days thinking that I sound like a cheesy, phony douchebag. I can see peoples eyes glaze over when I start talking about yoga, self improvement or vegetarianism. It's as if I have a hard time explaining it without using the cliched stock phrases associated with it. I notice in my classes that it's lingo that helps in the moment. It helps break up the mind's way of going about things. But while trying to communicate with anyone it comes off as lame. 


I'm having trouble combining my cynical, sarcastic, funny, laid back self with this clean living, forward moving yoga person. They seem at odds, and as a result my interactions feel jerky and shy.

I wonder if any else has trouble synchronizing parts of themselves, or parts of their lives? Do we have to be two separate selves? Do we have to give one up to honor the other?

Lesson in the gift of pig headedness.

Now, after having done prior preparation through life and other practices, the study and practice of Yoga begins. -- Yoga Sutra I.1


Today, I discovered something wonderful! I'm pig headed. {Read: Perseverant.} Of course I knew I was stubborn, i'm rather tender towards my stubbornness. It has started countless arguments. It's the me that can be rigid and inflexible at times. It's also the me that is fiercely loyal to my friends and family, the me that once wounded is very slow to forget. Yet, I never realized what it meant for me. 


Today I attended my first workshop. An Arm Balance workshop taught by Jamie Lee. I had no idea what to expect, I felt silly for having even registered. We warmed up with Sun Salutations, and the routine of it was comforting. There weren't any obviously daunting classmates, none that struck me as having mastered the art of balancing calmly on just their hands. It would end up that the girl with her mat next to mine was very good at balancing. I hardly saw her look around the room, she just stayed centered and suspended. In moments I would envy her. Envy has become a problem for me lately, in the classroom. I took a class on thursday, where the practitioner behind me could bend herself forward completely and keep her back {even her low back} perfectly straight. I would pull and tense and push and  tighten and loosen and still end up with a rounded back, a smug set of hips, and a frustrated Julia. But unlike thursday, with guidance from Jamie, I was able to come back to my mat, and think "This is perfect. exactly like this. The next step is just an improvement on this perfection. We are fine getting good getting great getting greater." Soon, the more I let go of my judgements, the quieter my head was, the more I could listen to my body whispering instructions.  Once that happened, that my body quietly instructed that we actually could physically do these postures, something shifted. My stubbornness became an ally. I kept falling and kept smiling to myself and I kept going back to the pose. Sometimes I even managed to stay in the pose! The greatest moment for me was the discovery that from standing, the road to a wall-supported handstand is just like how you do a cartwheel! I lived for cartwheels and being upside down as a kid. I did the acro-jazz, the monkey bars, and the headstands against every wall in our home. So, I wound up, pointed my toes, and planted my hands and kicked. When my feet actually hit the wall behind me, I was so shocked I actually stared in the mirror. The stare broke into a smile, and I played around with my balance for a moment before letting myself fall to the floor, and then tried it again, and again, and again. Success, Failure, Success, Success, Failure, Success. The discovery of that determination was worth more than a perfect posture, or praise, or even how I felt compared to someone else's accomplishments. It was mine, and that doggedness would get me everywhere I already am, and everywhere I need to be. 


Namaste

I love bookstores.

I always have. I still remember the first time my father brought me to chapters, and we talked to a pretty salesgirl named April, who introduced me to my first favorite author, favorite series, favorite book. Since then, book stores have been like magic shops. Holding untold wonders, hiding just behind crisp, shiny covers. I still get a shiver when I get a new book, especially one I'm really looking forward to. It's the same shiver I get when my plane takes off, or when I am witness to something truly beautiful.

Today was no exception. After humming and hawing for the better part of two hours, bouncing between the two big bookstores on St-Catherine's street comparing selections, I finally left with two books. Neither of the two I set out to get, but I'm happy with my choices.  "Yoga Body" By Judith H. Lasater and "Ashtanga Yoga: Practice & Philosophy" by Gregor Maehle. 

The minute I leafed through Yoga Body, and  read "thoracic spine" I knew this would be one of the books i'd leave with. I've encountered a lot of anatomy based vocabulary that I don't know lately. Through a lot of blogs, and even in my classes. I didn't even know what a "sacrum" was until a few months ago. 

I can't wait to have a few days off so I can totally geek out and get my learn on!

Week 2 @ Luna & Reception

Just a few updates for the internest.

Luna update: Reception: Didn't remember as many names as I would have liked, and was feeling shy/ quiet. Didn't miss anyone, or blow anything up, so all and all a success.

                        Practice: I found my breath again! Throughout my practice at home and in class, except Moksha [because I would expire], my breathing has been distracted and shallow. I suppose as without as within. I had a few great up-dogs (urdhva mukha svanasana), where I found the strength in my arms to pull myself through chaturanga dandasana and then to push up into up dog while inhaling and pulling my shoulders back.

Off to chapters now to get some books. I have my eyes set on "The Woman's Book of Yoga & Health" by Linda Sparrowe and "Ashtanga Yoga: The Practice Manual" by David Swenson. I've started reading (read: stalking) Damn Good Yoga, a blog that I stumbled upon a week ago. She's tattooed, is/was a waitress, suffered from tension headaches and migraines from a young age, and is now one badass yogi, as well as a great resource and inspiration. Those were the books that got her started, ergo I want to start with them.

The internet is so creepy sometimes. In a good way. I think.

Damn Good Yoga: Primary with a broken leg!

Damn Good Yoga: Primary with a broken leg!: Ever wondered how you'd maintain your practice with a broken limb? I have. This man is keeping his practice afloat through a broken femur ...

*SQUEEEEEEEE*

Ok.

 I can be shy when it comes to people/topics that I respect or admire, so it was mildly out of character for me to jump on the opportunity of working the reception for the monday class in exchange for taking the monday class for free. I found the class itself really cleansing, with lots of vinyasa and forward bends.  Also, such a change from the Moksha yoga environment. Bram was funny & genuine, offering wisdom to be used on and off the mat. He walks around the class giving hands on adjustments to each student. I loved it instantly. God, I hope they never read this.

So, today was my first day working reception at Centre Luna Yoga. I was nervous and vibrate-y all the way there. The "MindBody" system shut down right before people started to arrive, so everything was done by hand. During the class I found myself more present and more dedicated than usual. I felt involved in every asana, making endless (non-judgemental) adjustments. Even my Chaturanga (Four Legged Staff Pose) felt strong and natural, were as it usually feels tight and clunky.

I remembered how to input everything into the computer afterwards. Bram offered my another go on Wednesday, and I biked home with a big, silly grin plastered to my face.

Cleo's Suggestion

This morning was shitty. I woke from dreams of my grandfather, and of my family dealing with his death, as if I were floating above my family mourning him. Maybe I was, who knows. I wandered over to my practice space, and collapsed into Balasana (child pose). I rose from here to a half hearted down-dog where I stood up, and promptly sat on the couch, curling into the fetal position.

I lay there staring at my mat, convinced that there would be no practice today, when Cleo walked directly onto my mat, sitting and staring right back. She went about doing cat things, such as, from sitting turning her upper body all the way around to lick her lower back, coming back to center, and doing the same thing on the other side. Despite myself I smiled.

Upon my cats suggestion, I went back to my mat, and did every twist and backbend I could think of. Seeking and finding energy and twisty-ness.

His passing is harder than I thought it would be. Yoga, crying, boyfriend, laughing, tea and my yogic feline are all my tools in getting through this.