Leaps

It's been two hard years, and six of the hardest months I can remember. Each time I would practice I would be caught up against the rocks, with the tide crashing into me. I didn't want to change, I didn't want to let go of the story I'd created, or the comfort of the life I was living. The dissatisfaction was familiar, and I told myself I could fix it. So, every time I would roll out my mat, I would find the same obstacles, until finally, I couldn't ignore how unhappy I was.

The first month was spent in absolute, angry confidence that I had made the right choice. The second, in a terribly painful limbo. The third, convinced I'd made a mistake. Fear and doubt sent me back pedalling like a cartoon from the edge of a 100ft tall diving board. I leapt through hoops trying to get my old life back, trying to get those feelings back.

 One night a couple weeks into my "new" life, I was sitting on my bed in absolute darkness, wailing. The ferocity of my grief was terrifying to me. I didn't believe I could ever feel OK again. That I'd ever be less angry, less lonely. I know it was the idea of a life that I'd created in my head, with a person that didn't really exist that I was mourning, the fact that I'd held on so long to a fantasy, made it even more painful.

It's only been just over a month since that night in the dark where I begged the universe to tell me how I could ever possibly be happy again. The universe has answered every single day. It felt a bit like the entire natural world was conspiring to remind me of the astonishing beauty of life. I found myself laughing out loud in my own company. Finding energy and focus in all things, that I didn't know I had. Re-discovering how unbelievably fucking blessed I am to have the friends and family that I do. Even making new friends. Choosing to go back to school. Slowly starting to have dreams about my life that choke me with excitement. Long story short, Life is good.

Sometime in July I had the amazing opportunity to spend an afternoon doing flying trapeze through my work. I considered not going the entire morning. Even as I biked there, I told myself I wasn't going through with it. My lungs started to fill with what felt like hard air, filling me up and leaving me feeling empty, and pretty freaked out. I didn't talk as much as I usually do. When it came to my turn, I marched up that ladder, and tried not to think. I stood on the ledge of the platform, feeling the lurch of my stomach as I took one hand off the bar I was holding. I feel like I'm there again. I'm leaving for a weekend away at an Ashram in a few hours. My bag is packed, I've prepared everything I can prepare. After I climb on the shuttle, my role as pilot becomes secondary. Just like in that moment, of having no idea what the reality of what I'd have to face would be like, my only job is to let go.

As far as the trapeze went, I did alright. With my consciousness doing backflips trying to convince me to not jump off a ledge, a part of me that is deep and eternal and divine led me through it, and plunked me on the net where my consciousness caught up screaming "HOLY SHIT! DID YOU SEE THAT!? LETS DO THAT AGAIN!!!" and I did.


So here I go, off to face the void. Wish me luck.

Lot's of Yoga, Little Observation.

I walked to the grocery store further away from my apartment yesterday because it was a 12 degree night in march, and because I had spent most of the day inside, cleaning. I happened to look up at an intersection on my way back, and saw these thick husky grey clouds rushing over the bruised purple sky. I felt like I had licked a battery. I shiver/shock ran down my body, and I felt so present, so alive, so "energetic". It shook me. I shook it.

Today, I caught sight of myself in one of the many mirrors at work. I looked foreign. A doughy, round donut sat under my shirt, clinging to the fabric. My eyes were tired, my skin ghostly pale even by my standards.

I finished 56 consecutive days of yoga about a week ago. The goal had been 100. Throughout the challenge, I pushed through a few physical boundaries. I can now without fail, fall over my legs in a standing forward fold, with my hips leading the way. My balance has improved. Even my Vira I is friendly now. The emotional breakthroughs were harder to measure, and far harder to push through. So I chose to feel it out, and whenever I could, not think about it. Believe that I somehow was healing without having to examine. I just had to keep practicing. Apparently, I also had to keep eating, playing games on my phone, watching sitcoms, binging on sweets. I had to keep reacting to things without evaluating why.

So two moments later and I'm confronted with the hatchling of what could become if I leave my demons unobserved. I need to check myself, I need to journal, I need to watch what I eat and what I think. In kindness not in judgement. But denial is not the road to go on, neither is the procrastination.
Stay tuned for my excavation of winter, and my jelly roll.

x0x.

Damn Good Yoga: "My Heart Burns like Fire"

Damn Good Yoga: "My Heart Burns like Fire": Soyen Shaku, the first Zen teacher to come to America, said:  "My heart burns like fire but my eyes are as cold as dead ashes."  He made t...

Give Joyfully.

We all have 5.5 liters of blood... We are all the same.

Meghan Currie Time Lapse Yoga.

Be Inspired.

Practicing with " God ".

Like most people I've grown up with, I'm uncomfortable with the word "God".  Being raised in the west, with a Catholic mother and an indifferent father, the use of the word God became synonymous with my guilt, my short comings, with repression. In the last decade of my life, I've come to associate it with a close friend of mine who chose to believe in "The Creation" story. Who has confessed to me years ago, drunk, that she knows it doesn't make sense, but her husband & In-laws need her to believe it. Since her re-immersion in Christianity she's quicker to mock and judge people on superficial things, she's more intolerant of other ways of life..

I've always been curious about religions, I spent half of my teens a "devout" Wiccan. I've studied Buddhism & Hinduism just for fun. But I've never thought to bring god into my house, my life or my practice. This has to do partly with the fact that I can't separate the word God from Christianity. When I imagine God he looks like a hungry, disproving Santa Claus. Intellectually, through yoga, I try to see God as everything, myself and my chair and my walls included. It hasn't gelled yet though, because even thinking about "God" sincerely makes me feel silly, like I'm trying to believe in some childhood fantasy.

This said, I've started reading Sharon Gannon & David Life's "Jivamukti Yoga" Book. Yoga is talked about as a path to enlightenment, not an exercise or a hobby or anything in between. Up until now, I've dismissed this side of yoga. Using it as a singular tool than as a system. Because it makes me uncomfortable. So each morning, while drinking my tea, I squirm with embarrassment as I hungrily read their earnest, devout guide to yoga. They implore the reader to dedicate their practice to something higher than themselves, to God. They state that doing this is part of liberation, and that "your practice will become full of grace." This isn't their idea really, Patanjali wrote this in his sutras, it's the way the system of Yoga was originally intended to be.

Lord Shiva statue in Rishikesh, India

So yesterday, for kicks, I tried it. I practiced in the evening, and set "God" as my intention. I came back to it a few times, telling myself, that I was giving away my practice, feeding something else with it. I laughed when my puppy interrupted, climbing on top of me during bridge, and took the time for savasana. I even meditated later on in the evening. I know that focusing on something other than my ego during the practice, including how I felt my practice reflected me, and my feelings, was helpful. It allowed me more room, and maybe more honesty about where I am in my practice.

Disclaimer: I don't know what I believe, truly. I also think it doesn't matter much, just about any view in the entire world could turn out to be wrong ( or right, simultaneously ) at the end of all things. I'm just thinking aloud. :)

I hope everyone is having a wonderful, and thoughtful day. 

Comfort Zone, Up, Up & Away!!

So, I promised I'd be writing about the classes I took this week. My goal was five, and I managed 3. Ponyo got sick earlier this week, and then I picked up a cold a couple of days ago. What I lacked in quantity, I made up for in quality though.

Wednesday: Yoga Flo 2 with Bram Levinson  @ Centre Luna Yoga 

This is one of my regular classes, and it's my favorite. Bram is awesome! The energy in the room is powerful, and the space itself is gorgeous. He often has playlists that reinvigorate you at just the right moment, i.e. Utthita Parsvakonasana. ( my arch nemesis ;] )

Thursday: Yin Yoga with Melanie @ Happy Tree Yoga

I had gotten my blood tested in the morning, which isn't something I deal particularly well with, so this class was blissful. Snuggling and stretching and laughing. Mel is the founder of happy tree, and she really embodies their attitude. Fun, warm, happy, and super down to earth. I left this class wishing I could do it again, or take a nap. 

Saturday: Boot Camp with Skye @ U.N.I. Training 

So, every Saturday at noon, UNI offers a free Boot Camp class.  We had run up & down the 8 flights of stairs, and then did some cardio drills, and then Skye said "We'll start the workout soon", and I laughed. My team mates looked at me and nodded, this was only the warm up. I was sure I was done for. Then somehow, it gets better. You're burning, and everything is trembling but you finish with this amazing sense of accomplishment, mingling with some nausea. Now, 2 hours later, I feel energized and excited to get my butt kicked again. :) Please check this out, if I can do it, you can too!

The video is a little something I found on my creative fling, and after being so nervous to try something new, it was the perfect reminded that any obstacle i'll ever face, is also just part of the blanket. 

I hope you all had an exciting and scary week. 

XOXJ